Ok, so I know that I have come a long way this last month or so. But a few days ago, I was reminded that I am still in a vulnerable state. Of all days for this to happen (it was his bday as well as our would-be anniversary), I get a long, hand written letter in the mail.
Basically, after heaving tears and copious amounts of snot, I get through this long remorseful explanation of the situation as he sees it. He said everything that I wanted to hear honestly and I appreciate everything, but it just brought me back to the place I was a few weeks ago--a place I thought I had grown out of.
To summarize: He said that this is the hardest letter he will ever write, that he is deeply sorry, guilty and most of all saddened that he has caused me so much pain. He wrote that he lost sight of what was important, started to focus on the negative things about long distance, and some how was so clouded that he allowed something like this to happen. He thanked me for loving and giving so much and for placing so much faith and trust in him. He knows I loved him immensely and he felt the same way, and he wants me to believe that he really wanted this to work out. He said that although there was some attraction between the two of them, it was no where even close to love. He knows there is no way to justify what he did and he feels horrible about it. He feels a deep sense of loss, and feels hallow. He asked that someday I try to forgive him, feels so pained that bc of what he did "even if the relationship didn't work out, he would still have a most precious friend." He thanked me for sharing my thoughts and feelings on our last skype call. He was relieved to hear that I was doing well, and wants me to be happy.
The thing is, I know he is a good guy and I feel like that actually makes it a bit harder now. I found myself still being comforted by the fact that maybe some day we could still end up together. Is this crazy? Well perhaps it is, as there was no mention at all in the letter about trying to get back together or of trying to fix things and move on. I believe he did not offer these suggestions bc 1) he knows he still cannot do long distance, 2) out of respect for my desire to not be friends.
I realized that up to this point, I had built up my confidence and was able to move on by making him the bad guy. And by demonizing him, I was the better person and able to rise above. Now, although that foundation was broken down with this letter, I need to rebuild again. Honestly, I think it is a good thing bc you can't build a foundation on hatred, anger and resentment. I have a chance now to rebuild based on a sense of acceptance and understanding. Here we go again!
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