For those who follow certain calendars like those of the Hindu, , Ancient Roman, Celtic or certain Neopagans, New Year's is actually November 1st. (I don't normally follow these calendars, but have always wondered why OCTober, NOVember, DECember didn't correspond to the # of the month ... Oct=8, Nov=9, Dec=10, but were actually always 2 months behind).
I just got back from the most reflective yoga class that I have ever been to, in which the instructor artfully tied in this theme of ending the "exhale year" and beginning a new one, since New Year's Eve is but 1 week away. We incorporated the idea of releasing all the year's happy, sad, and even hard moments in order to be able to be renewed and be lifted up again. For our poses, it was the act of releasing our energy and inertia into the earth (our mats on the ground) before really being able to physically lift with the heart. This focus actually did help with the poses. Later, the meditative part of the session included inhaling all of our inspiration and exhaling all of the lessons learned from the past year. Sounds kind of hokey, but the session really spoke to me and the events in the last few months. Looking forward, this IS a time to be renewed, to rebuild and bring new energy and lessons to this new part of our lives. This is the beginning of a new time that has many exciting prospects.
And what I'm going to say now is not contradictory my yoga revelation... Jason and I are talking again, after a plea on his part. I do trust and believe that he has suffered greatly these last 2 months-more than I had originally thought actually. He knows he lost the best thing that ever happened to him. (I knew that much!). He's been genuine in his thought process and realizations--namely, that he was using those acts as an escape from dealing with difficult questions about long distance and that he now knows what is truly important in life, that he is so deeply remorsely, regretful and would do anything to turn back time, but now must live with his actions. I also believe him when he says he wants to actively make changes in order to be with me once and for all. Truthfully, I do still love him and I never stopped--but I was willing to accept that you can love someone but not be with them, and move on. He's made it clear that he wants to do all he can to try to be where we once were, and honestly, I have not ruled out the possibility.
I think this recent reconnection with him came at the right time because just prior to him contacting me, I did have a moment of actually knowing internally that I didn't need him to be happy. I felt this after my recent trip to NY for some reason..maybe it was seeing friends, or maybe it was just a matter of time, but I knew that I believed it when I said that I really didn't need him and could move on. Ironically, I think that I needed to break away from the emotional dependency in order to approach these recent conversations with Jason with resolve. If we do get back together, then it will be my decision. I feel like the last 2 months have been excruciatingly difficult, but have challenged me in a good way. So many good things have come out of this: knowledge of what is important to me and a better sense of taking care of myself emotionally before trying to take care of a relationship. I truly believe that the recent months have actually put me in a place in which I can actually be in a healthy relationship--whether it is back with Jason or with someone else. I guess what I am saying is that if I do agree to rebuild our relationship, then it is not because of some remaining emotional dependency on him, but rather because it is truly my well informed, conscious and from the heart choice to do so.
