In a better place...

So, Jason and I are back together and are in a much better place than even before our breakup.

For both of us, these last few months (although extremely painful at times!!!) have been quite a learning experience-- about ourselves, relationships, life, everything. For me I was finally able to find my footing here in SF and have taken advantage of many of the opportunities open to me here. I realized that I can (and should) voice my opinion even when I think that the other person will disagree. I've found a healthier balance between independence and dependence in relationships. For Jason, well, he realized that he lost the best thing that ever happened to him (duh!) and that he was a f****** idiot for what he did. He's suffered a great deal of emotional turmoil too, realizing the reality of his actions and that he did hurt me. He's been very sincere with his apologies and dedication to making us work again. I guess everything does happen for a reason... Ironically, I don't think our relationship would have grown, and we wouldn't be at the point that we are at, if something like this didn't happen.

I've told him that we need to be better at approaching conflict, that we need to take it head on and discuss things in order to work things out. For him, when conflict arises, he used to employ an escapist approach and tended to seek other things to take his mind off of having to make difficult decisions. He says that he knew he always loved me, but the negative thoughts about long distance in general overshadowed that and that he did what he did because he was trying to escape from everything. For me, my way of dealing with conflict has been to ignore it, full stop. While in the past that has usually allowed most issues to sort of slide by, it is by no means good for long term. Both methods of dealing with conflict are not ideal and we've talked about how to change that.

Another thing is that I'm so amazed at his change in outlook and priorities. Our relationship has become his #1 priority. Whereas in the past, he was looking for possibilities to move out here, that was only an option if he could really convince himself that he wasn't giving up something good at Harvard. Now, our being able to settle down together is his priority and he is actively searching for ways to get out to the west coast with the primary goal of being together. It's quite a big change in outlook, really and I'm glad that he feels that way. Honestly, I just want to settle down and finally live together too...

So, he did come out for about 11 days including my bday, and it was really nice, really really nice. The hardest part has actually been reintegrating him with the friends who were such a support system post-break up. (THANKS so much to everyone! I love you all and am so appreciative that you have helped in this healing and learning process). Shireen, my roommate, still hasn't totally warmed up to him and well, I appreciate that she is still looking out for me and wants to make sure that I don't get hurt again and is still protective over me. My family has initially been wary as well. At least I never told my parents the whole story. That would def. preclude any attempt at getting back together since my parents are very Black and White (no grey zone) people.

So, while it has been really great since we've been back together, it will still take work, just like any healthy relationship does! But the difference now is that we are ready and willing to put in the effort to make it work bc we know what we want! All in all, I feel more calm about everything--less anxious about what the future holds, about wondering if he really wants to come out west, etc. It is a much nicer place to be and I'm happy about it. :)

Happy November New Year's!!

For those who follow certain calendars like those of the Hindu, , Ancient Roman, Celtic or certain Neopagans, New Year's is actually November 1st. (I don't normally follow these calendars, but have always wondered why OCTober, NOVember, DECember didn't correspond to the # of the month ... Oct=8, Nov=9, Dec=10, but were actually always 2 months behind).

I just got back from the most reflective yoga class that I have ever been to, in which the instructor artfully tied in this theme of ending the "exhale year" and beginning a new one, since New Year's Eve is but 1 week away. We incorporated the idea of releasing all the year's happy, sad, and even hard moments in order to be able to be renewed and be lifted up again. For our poses, it was the act of releasing our energy and inertia into the earth (our mats on the ground) before really being able to physically lift with the heart. This focus actually did help with the poses. Later, the meditative part of the session included inhaling all of our inspiration and exhaling all of the lessons learned from the past year. Sounds kind of hokey, but the session really spoke to me and the events in the last few months. Looking forward, this IS a time to be renewed, to rebuild and bring new energy and lessons to this new part of our lives. This is the beginning of a new time that has many exciting prospects.

And what I'm going to say now is not contradictory my yoga revelation... Jason and I are talking again, after a plea on his part. I do trust and believe that he has suffered greatly these last 2 months-more than I had originally thought actually. He knows he lost the best thing that ever happened to him. (I knew that much!). He's been genuine in his thought process and realizations--namely, that he was using those acts as an escape from dealing with difficult questions about long distance and that he now knows what is truly important in life, that he is so deeply remorsely, regretful and would do anything to turn back time, but now must live with his actions. I also believe him when he says he wants to actively make changes in order to be with me once and for all. Truthfully, I do still love him and I never stopped--but I was willing to accept that you can love someone but not be with them, and move on. He's made it clear that he wants to do all he can to try to be where we once were, and honestly, I have not ruled out the possibility.

I think this recent reconnection with him came at the right time because just prior to him contacting me, I did have a moment of actually knowing internally that I didn't need him to be happy. I felt this after my recent trip to NY for some reason..maybe it was seeing friends, or maybe it was just a matter of time, but I knew that I believed it when I said that I really didn't need him and could move on. Ironically, I think that I needed to break away from the emotional dependency in order to approach these recent conversations with Jason with resolve. If we do get back together, then it will be my decision. I feel like the last 2 months have been excruciatingly difficult, but have challenged me in a good way. So many good things have come out of this: knowledge of what is important to me and a better sense of taking care of myself emotionally before trying to take care of a relationship. I truly believe that the recent months have actually put me in a place in which I can actually be in a healthy relationship--whether it is back with Jason or with someone else. I guess what I am saying is that if I do agree to rebuild our relationship, then it is not because of some remaining emotional dependency on him, but rather because it is truly my well informed, conscious and from the heart choice to do so.

Minor set back...

Ok, so I know that I have come a long way this last month or so. But a few days ago, I was reminded that I am still in a vulnerable state. Of all days for this to happen (it was his bday as well as our would-be anniversary), I get a long, hand written letter in the mail.

Basically, after heaving tears and copious amounts of snot, I get through this long remorseful explanation of the situation as he sees it. He said everything that I wanted to hear honestly and I appreciate everything, but it just brought me back to the place I was a few weeks ago--a place I thought I had grown out of.

To summarize: He said that this is the hardest letter he will ever write, that he is deeply sorry, guilty and most of all saddened that he has caused me so much pain. He wrote that he lost sight of what was important, started to focus on the negative things about long distance, and some how was so clouded that he allowed something like this to happen. He thanked me for loving and giving so much and for placing so much faith and trust in him. He knows I loved him immensely and he felt the same way, and he wants me to believe that he really wanted this to work out. He said that although there was some attraction between the two of them, it was no where even close to love. He knows there is no way to justify what he did and he feels horrible about it. He feels a deep sense of loss, and feels hallow. He asked that someday I try to forgive him, feels so pained that bc of what he did "even if the relationship didn't work out, he would still have a most precious friend." He thanked me for sharing my thoughts and feelings on our last skype call. He was relieved to hear that I was doing well, and wants me to be happy.

The thing is, I know he is a good guy and I feel like that actually makes it a bit harder now. I found myself still being comforted by the fact that maybe some day we could still end up together. Is this crazy? Well perhaps it is, as there was no mention at all in the letter about trying to get back together or of trying to fix things and move on. I believe he did not offer these suggestions bc 1) he knows he still cannot do long distance, 2) out of respect for my desire to not be friends.

I realized that up to this point, I had built up my confidence and was able to move on by making him the bad guy. And by demonizing him, I was the better person and able to rise above. Now, although that foundation was broken down with this letter, I need to rebuild again. Honestly, I think it is a good thing bc you can't build a foundation on hatred, anger and resentment. I have a chance now to rebuild based on a sense of acceptance and understanding. Here we go again!

Closing that Chapter

It's done and over.

I had been waiting to be in the right place in life before talking with him again-- waiting to be excited again about things to come, uber-optimistic about the opportunities and also to have little emotional response to any thing that used to remind me of him. I reached that point last week and really did feel a difference. I could smile for real again--from the inside...

So, we talked on Sunday--on my terms. This was a conversation for me and not for him. Overall impression about the 1.5 hr conversation was confirmation that he leaves this relationship feeling like a worse person--guilty, remorseful and regretful--yet I leave an even better person who can be positive about the future. I've never seen him so sad before....ever.... It was awkward at first and no words were really said the first minute or so. I had prepared an outline for myself of ALL of the points that I was going to get across, hurtful and some just matter of fact.

I know he was taken aback by my resolve, assertiveness and ability to have analyzed everything and my ability to come to my conclusions. After letting me say everything I needed to (and there was a LOT), he felt like there was no point to say what he was going to say because I had made it clear that anything he said was no longer credible, but I insisted that he go on. Yeah, he is sorry, had been really worried about me the last month, and so sad that he had hurt me. I feel like you can say all of that , but you still didn't care enough apparently. Another thing he admitted that makes it even easier to cut all ties is that he did have some feelings for this other woman. (previously he said he did not love her, and I do believe him, but it doesn't make anything any better). He also agreed that he DOES have a drinking problem, which I had very carefully tried to talk to him about before--always trying to not sound like I was nagging. But I also made sure he knows that alcohol is NO excuse for a conscious decision and that you are always responsible for your decisions.

I ended the conversation making sure I got the point across that I am able to move on and am totally excited about my life here. I am so happy to be in SF, and so happy that I have all of my friends and family as a solid support network. Truthfully the original intent of this was to rub it in, but in the end, I think he actually felt relief. Whatever, I feel what I feel and I'm glad he knows. Honestly, after some tears and runny nose on my part, we ended the conversation well. He even mentioned a little joke here or there and there were some smiles. But after I had said everything that I needed to, I told him that we cannot be friends.... told him to contact me should there be an emergency (to this he declined bc thinking of me makes him feel guilty and horrible about himself--as he should)... I told him I don't plan on speaking with him. I then said, "ok, well I guess that's it! Take care. Bye."

And you know what? That IS it! Done. .... well, a few more things... have to get rid of some online photo albums of us and also I offered to send back some of his clothes here. Boston winters can get cold and I have his winter jacket. Damn... I am still too nice. Oh well, that is just who I am.

As a little addendum to this story, a close friend here had recently been devasted bc she knew her long distance relationship was also ending (actually, just a week after she told her dad that her and this person were probably getting married)--but with no seemingly glaring problem except unwillingness to try to make distance work. The next day, as they are making the split final... he gives in to his conscious and tells her he recently slept with another woman (apparently she was "agressive" and they were both a bit drunk and high--great excuse, huh??) In any case, the night after my conversation with my ex, we had a champagne and burning of exs' belongings party. It was very gratifying and cathartic to watch a pair of his boxers burn in the fireplace flames! To this, my friend says... "I wish his penis were in there!!!"

Back in Technicolor (and 3D) !!

So.......... I am excited about renewal, freedom and my new exciting life! Ok, that being said, the past 2 weeks have been pretty high on the devastating, world-view changing, heart-hardening list. Although the time and love we had together was real, there is now a sense of freedom to build up myself, create the best life that I can, and take advantage of the opportunities, friends and world that I am surrounded by here in SF!

Here are some avenues where all that energy will be channeled towards, both professionally and personally:

1) Get everything that I can out of my residency program and become a total kick-ass pediatric dentist! I'm going to know my shit well! and work hard!

2) I'm establishing new connections for collaborations in global oral health with the support of the UCSF Global Clinical Scholars program that I am in this year... check it out! Hopefully partnering with an amazing prof. at UC Berkeley School of Public Health who happens also to have an interest in children's oral health abroad in relation to nutrition/health behavior change. Hoping this will take me to either Nepal, El Salvador or Vietnam.

3) My research project which is health policy in nature is finally taking off!

4) I've gotten so much closer with friends here (co residents, etc) and reconnected with friends all over in the last 2 wks...which leads me to the personal endeavors of mine....

5) WAKA: World Adult Kickball Association. "Hell yeah!" as a dear friend would say! Season starts in 2 wks.

6) Cooking Club is totally taking off! Here are pics from our last "Everything you can wrap or roll" party at my place. I did not know that 22 people could fit into my apt. Pics. Next theme: Comfort Food.

7) Big Sur half marathon on Nov 20th. Running with Qian and Carly.

8) Trail running: going to start doing more of that and do races! Maybe there are training groups out there too....

9) Visiting NYC to attend a wedding in Oct...and go sky diving with Mar and Bar!

10) Using that United Airlines credit (no France) to visit Kirsi in Hawaii since I didn't get a change to last year!


You know....life if looking pretty darn good...