Closing that Chapter

It's done and over.

I had been waiting to be in the right place in life before talking with him again-- waiting to be excited again about things to come, uber-optimistic about the opportunities and also to have little emotional response to any thing that used to remind me of him. I reached that point last week and really did feel a difference. I could smile for real again--from the inside...

So, we talked on Sunday--on my terms. This was a conversation for me and not for him. Overall impression about the 1.5 hr conversation was confirmation that he leaves this relationship feeling like a worse person--guilty, remorseful and regretful--yet I leave an even better person who can be positive about the future. I've never seen him so sad before....ever.... It was awkward at first and no words were really said the first minute or so. I had prepared an outline for myself of ALL of the points that I was going to get across, hurtful and some just matter of fact.

I know he was taken aback by my resolve, assertiveness and ability to have analyzed everything and my ability to come to my conclusions. After letting me say everything I needed to (and there was a LOT), he felt like there was no point to say what he was going to say because I had made it clear that anything he said was no longer credible, but I insisted that he go on. Yeah, he is sorry, had been really worried about me the last month, and so sad that he had hurt me. I feel like you can say all of that , but you still didn't care enough apparently. Another thing he admitted that makes it even easier to cut all ties is that he did have some feelings for this other woman. (previously he said he did not love her, and I do believe him, but it doesn't make anything any better). He also agreed that he DOES have a drinking problem, which I had very carefully tried to talk to him about before--always trying to not sound like I was nagging. But I also made sure he knows that alcohol is NO excuse for a conscious decision and that you are always responsible for your decisions.

I ended the conversation making sure I got the point across that I am able to move on and am totally excited about my life here. I am so happy to be in SF, and so happy that I have all of my friends and family as a solid support network. Truthfully the original intent of this was to rub it in, but in the end, I think he actually felt relief. Whatever, I feel what I feel and I'm glad he knows. Honestly, after some tears and runny nose on my part, we ended the conversation well. He even mentioned a little joke here or there and there were some smiles. But after I had said everything that I needed to, I told him that we cannot be friends.... told him to contact me should there be an emergency (to this he declined bc thinking of me makes him feel guilty and horrible about himself--as he should)... I told him I don't plan on speaking with him. I then said, "ok, well I guess that's it! Take care. Bye."

And you know what? That IS it! Done. .... well, a few more things... have to get rid of some online photo albums of us and also I offered to send back some of his clothes here. Boston winters can get cold and I have his winter jacket. Damn... I am still too nice. Oh well, that is just who I am.

As a little addendum to this story, a close friend here had recently been devasted bc she knew her long distance relationship was also ending (actually, just a week after she told her dad that her and this person were probably getting married)--but with no seemingly glaring problem except unwillingness to try to make distance work. The next day, as they are making the split final... he gives in to his conscious and tells her he recently slept with another woman (apparently she was "agressive" and they were both a bit drunk and high--great excuse, huh??) In any case, the night after my conversation with my ex, we had a champagne and burning of exs' belongings party. It was very gratifying and cathartic to watch a pair of his boxers burn in the fireplace flames! To this, my friend says... "I wish his penis were in there!!!"