Ok, so I know that I have come a long way this last month or so. But a few days ago, I was reminded that I am still in a vulnerable state. Of all days for this to happen (it was his bday as well as our would-be anniversary), I get a long, hand written letter in the mail.
Basically, after heaving tears and copious amounts of snot, I get through this long remorseful explanation of the situation as he sees it. He said everything that I wanted to hear honestly and I appreciate everything, but it just brought me back to the place I was a few weeks ago--a place I thought I had grown out of.
To summarize: He said that this is the hardest letter he will ever write, that he is deeply sorry, guilty and most of all saddened that he has caused me so much pain. He wrote that he lost sight of what was important, started to focus on the negative things about long distance, and some how was so clouded that he allowed something like this to happen. He thanked me for loving and giving so much and for placing so much faith and trust in him. He knows I loved him immensely and he felt the same way, and he wants me to believe that he really wanted this to work out. He said that although there was some attraction between the two of them, it was no where even close to love. He knows there is no way to justify what he did and he feels horrible about it. He feels a deep sense of loss, and feels hallow. He asked that someday I try to forgive him, feels so pained that bc of what he did "even if the relationship didn't work out, he would still have a most precious friend." He thanked me for sharing my thoughts and feelings on our last skype call. He was relieved to hear that I was doing well, and wants me to be happy.
The thing is, I know he is a good guy and I feel like that actually makes it a bit harder now. I found myself still being comforted by the fact that maybe some day we could still end up together. Is this crazy? Well perhaps it is, as there was no mention at all in the letter about trying to get back together or of trying to fix things and move on. I believe he did not offer these suggestions bc 1) he knows he still cannot do long distance, 2) out of respect for my desire to not be friends.
I realized that up to this point, I had built up my confidence and was able to move on by making him the bad guy. And by demonizing him, I was the better person and able to rise above. Now, although that foundation was broken down with this letter, I need to rebuild again. Honestly, I think it is a good thing bc you can't build a foundation on hatred, anger and resentment. I have a chance now to rebuild based on a sense of acceptance and understanding. Here we go again!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Closing that Chapter
It's done and over.
I had been waiting to be in the right place in life before talking with him again-- waiting to be excited again about things to come, uber-optimistic about the opportunities and also to have little emotional response to any thing that used to remind me of him. I reached that point last week and really did feel a difference. I could smile for real again--from the inside...
So, we talked on Sunday--on my terms. This was a conversation for me and not for him. Overall impression about the 1.5 hr conversation was confirmation that he leaves this relationship feeling like a worse person--guilty, remorseful and regretful--yet I leave an even better person who can be positive about the future. I've never seen him so sad before....ever.... It was awkward at first and no words were really said the first minute or so. I had prepared an outline for myself of ALL of the points that I was going to get across, hurtful and some just matter of fact.
I know he was taken aback by my resolve, assertiveness and ability to have analyzed everything and my ability to come to my conclusions. After letting me say everything I needed to (and there was a LOT), he felt like there was no point to say what he was going to say because I had made it clear that anything he said was no longer credible, but I insisted that he go on. Yeah, he is sorry, had been really worried about me the last month, and so sad that he had hurt me. I feel like you can say all of that , but you still didn't care enough apparently. Another thing he admitted that makes it even easier to cut all ties is that he did have some feelings for this other woman. (previously he said he did not love her, and I do believe him, but it doesn't make anything any better). He also agreed that he DOES have a drinking problem, which I had very carefully tried to talk to him about before--always trying to not sound like I was nagging. But I also made sure he knows that alcohol is NO excuse for a conscious decision and that you are always responsible for your decisions.
I ended the conversation making sure I got the point across that I am able to move on and am totally excited about my life here. I am so happy to be in SF, and so happy that I have all of my friends and family as a solid support network. Truthfully the original intent of this was to rub it in, but in the end, I think he actually felt relief. Whatever, I feel what I feel and I'm glad he knows. Honestly, after some tears and runny nose on my part, we ended the conversation well. He even mentioned a little joke here or there and there were some smiles. But after I had said everything that I needed to, I told him that we cannot be friends.... told him to contact me should there be an emergency (to this he declined bc thinking of me makes him feel guilty and horrible about himself--as he should)... I told him I don't plan on speaking with him. I then said, "ok, well I guess that's it! Take care. Bye."
And you know what? That IS it! Done. .... well, a few more things... have to get rid of some online photo albums of us and also I offered to send back some of his clothes here. Boston winters can get cold and I have his winter jacket. Damn... I am still too nice. Oh well, that is just who I am.
As a little addendum to this story, a close friend here had recently been devasted bc she knew her long distance relationship was also ending (actually, just a week after she told her dad that her and this person were probably getting married)--but with no seemingly glaring problem except unwillingness to try to make distance work. The next day, as they are making the split final... he gives in to his conscious and tells her he recently slept with another woman (apparently she was "agressive" and they were both a bit drunk and high--great excuse, huh??) In any case, the night after my conversation with my ex, we had a champagne and burning of exs' belongings party. It was very gratifying and cathartic to watch a pair of his boxers burn in the fireplace flames! To this, my friend says... "I wish his penis were in there!!!"
I had been waiting to be in the right place in life before talking with him again-- waiting to be excited again about things to come, uber-optimistic about the opportunities and also to have little emotional response to any thing that used to remind me of him. I reached that point last week and really did feel a difference. I could smile for real again--from the inside...
So, we talked on Sunday--on my terms. This was a conversation for me and not for him. Overall impression about the 1.5 hr conversation was confirmation that he leaves this relationship feeling like a worse person--guilty, remorseful and regretful--yet I leave an even better person who can be positive about the future. I've never seen him so sad before....ever.... It was awkward at first and no words were really said the first minute or so. I had prepared an outline for myself of ALL of the points that I was going to get across, hurtful and some just matter of fact.
I know he was taken aback by my resolve, assertiveness and ability to have analyzed everything and my ability to come to my conclusions. After letting me say everything I needed to (and there was a LOT), he felt like there was no point to say what he was going to say because I had made it clear that anything he said was no longer credible, but I insisted that he go on. Yeah, he is sorry, had been really worried about me the last month, and so sad that he had hurt me. I feel like you can say all of that , but you still didn't care enough apparently. Another thing he admitted that makes it even easier to cut all ties is that he did have some feelings for this other woman. (previously he said he did not love her, and I do believe him, but it doesn't make anything any better). He also agreed that he DOES have a drinking problem, which I had very carefully tried to talk to him about before--always trying to not sound like I was nagging. But I also made sure he knows that alcohol is NO excuse for a conscious decision and that you are always responsible for your decisions.
I ended the conversation making sure I got the point across that I am able to move on and am totally excited about my life here. I am so happy to be in SF, and so happy that I have all of my friends and family as a solid support network. Truthfully the original intent of this was to rub it in, but in the end, I think he actually felt relief. Whatever, I feel what I feel and I'm glad he knows. Honestly, after some tears and runny nose on my part, we ended the conversation well. He even mentioned a little joke here or there and there were some smiles. But after I had said everything that I needed to, I told him that we cannot be friends.... told him to contact me should there be an emergency (to this he declined bc thinking of me makes him feel guilty and horrible about himself--as he should)... I told him I don't plan on speaking with him. I then said, "ok, well I guess that's it! Take care. Bye."
And you know what? That IS it! Done. .... well, a few more things... have to get rid of some online photo albums of us and also I offered to send back some of his clothes here. Boston winters can get cold and I have his winter jacket. Damn... I am still too nice. Oh well, that is just who I am.
As a little addendum to this story, a close friend here had recently been devasted bc she knew her long distance relationship was also ending (actually, just a week after she told her dad that her and this person were probably getting married)--but with no seemingly glaring problem except unwillingness to try to make distance work. The next day, as they are making the split final... he gives in to his conscious and tells her he recently slept with another woman (apparently she was "agressive" and they were both a bit drunk and high--great excuse, huh??) In any case, the night after my conversation with my ex, we had a champagne and burning of exs' belongings party. It was very gratifying and cathartic to watch a pair of his boxers burn in the fireplace flames! To this, my friend says... "I wish his penis were in there!!!"
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