In a better place...

So, Jason and I are back together and are in a much better place than even before our breakup.

For both of us, these last few months (although extremely painful at times!!!) have been quite a learning experience-- about ourselves, relationships, life, everything. For me I was finally able to find my footing here in SF and have taken advantage of many of the opportunities open to me here. I realized that I can (and should) voice my opinion even when I think that the other person will disagree. I've found a healthier balance between independence and dependence in relationships. For Jason, well, he realized that he lost the best thing that ever happened to him (duh!) and that he was a f****** idiot for what he did. He's suffered a great deal of emotional turmoil too, realizing the reality of his actions and that he did hurt me. He's been very sincere with his apologies and dedication to making us work again. I guess everything does happen for a reason... Ironically, I don't think our relationship would have grown, and we wouldn't be at the point that we are at, if something like this didn't happen.

I've told him that we need to be better at approaching conflict, that we need to take it head on and discuss things in order to work things out. For him, when conflict arises, he used to employ an escapist approach and tended to seek other things to take his mind off of having to make difficult decisions. He says that he knew he always loved me, but the negative thoughts about long distance in general overshadowed that and that he did what he did because he was trying to escape from everything. For me, my way of dealing with conflict has been to ignore it, full stop. While in the past that has usually allowed most issues to sort of slide by, it is by no means good for long term. Both methods of dealing with conflict are not ideal and we've talked about how to change that.

Another thing is that I'm so amazed at his change in outlook and priorities. Our relationship has become his #1 priority. Whereas in the past, he was looking for possibilities to move out here, that was only an option if he could really convince himself that he wasn't giving up something good at Harvard. Now, our being able to settle down together is his priority and he is actively searching for ways to get out to the west coast with the primary goal of being together. It's quite a big change in outlook, really and I'm glad that he feels that way. Honestly, I just want to settle down and finally live together too...

So, he did come out for about 11 days including my bday, and it was really nice, really really nice. The hardest part has actually been reintegrating him with the friends who were such a support system post-break up. (THANKS so much to everyone! I love you all and am so appreciative that you have helped in this healing and learning process). Shireen, my roommate, still hasn't totally warmed up to him and well, I appreciate that she is still looking out for me and wants to make sure that I don't get hurt again and is still protective over me. My family has initially been wary as well. At least I never told my parents the whole story. That would def. preclude any attempt at getting back together since my parents are very Black and White (no grey zone) people.

So, while it has been really great since we've been back together, it will still take work, just like any healthy relationship does! But the difference now is that we are ready and willing to put in the effort to make it work bc we know what we want! All in all, I feel more calm about everything--less anxious about what the future holds, about wondering if he really wants to come out west, etc. It is a much nicer place to be and I'm happy about it. :)